Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
