I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
