I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
