saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
