So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
