Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
