I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
