Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
