OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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