Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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