fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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