I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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