I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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