Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
