somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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