i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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