i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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