I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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