PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
