I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
