It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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