when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
