He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
