Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
