my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
