My first STD was from a foam party
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
