I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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