Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you win again, gameday.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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