the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
