so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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