As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
