i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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