If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can't turn off my feet"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
