break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
