ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
