ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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