He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
