I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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