i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
