he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
