Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
