another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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