we made out on top of his cat.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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