I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
