I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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