Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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