When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
