Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My friends, they love my intelligence
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
