When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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