So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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