i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
