just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize