How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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