My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
