I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
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I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
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I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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