Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
