apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
