The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
