Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
