Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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